Go the gym more often? Read more books? Spend less time on social media?
Whatever it is, we all have something we want to do more of or less of. Despite all the great advice out there, most of us have perhaps persevered for a while but gradually dropped the change in habit.
The good news is that it isn’t your fault. It’s just how the human mind is wired.
If you google changing habits, you’ll see that most advice talks about defining a goal and making a plan. Whilst goals and plans are useful and good to have, they don’t actually guarantee success.
In reality, research shows that strong habits need more than goals if you want to change them because we also need to take into account our environment and general space as well as our emotions.
Of course, the commonly quoted habit loop is perfectly accurate: cue, craving, response or routine followed by the reward. Nevertheless, understanding the pattern doesn’t always enable actually changing the pattern.
You need insight if you truly wish to change the pattern.
Working with Habits
So, how do we get insight?
It all starts with observation.
The big difference with the advice you normally get is that it isn’t about observing our logical process, it’s about also observing our emotions.
Whilst we like to think that we are logical creatures who happen to feel we are in fact, emotional creatures who happen to think.
Furthermore, research now supports that emotions are intertwined with our logical reasoning and that the two cannot be separated as we often try, for example, in habit change. In short, we cannot change habits if we do not work with emotions.
And how do we do this?
1- Leverage existing habits
The very essence of Japanese kaizen is to make small changes to existing habits. This isn’t about making large sudden changes such as going from never going to the gym to suddenly going every day. It’s about finding a harmonious way to tweak your existing routine.
We therefore shift our mindsets and turn to observing our current approach with the aim to make small improvements to what already exists. It’s less about beating ourselves up and setting big goals and more about valuing what is already there and using that as the foundation to improve.
Perhaps the most radical mindset shift is that this isn’t about banging your head against a brick wall. It’s about slowing down and collaborating with the mind.
In short,
- Accept yourself
- Find value in what you already do
- Build on that value with tiny steps
2- Who’s in control
In the spirit of creating harmony within ourselves, just as we shift from berating the mind to collaborating with it, so we can also become curious about who is actually making these decisions. The more we know this, the easier it becomes to change habits.
Strange as it might sound, we are all made up of parts, according to Carl Jung and other psychologists who came later. Just as you might say to yourself, a part of me wants to go out but a part of me wants to stay so habits are often the result of our conflicting parts.
For example, when you open the fridge door, which part of you is reaching out for that piece of cake? Is it the part that craves reassurance or is it the grounded, curious and compassionate part? Whichever part is present, where is the other part?
The more you can discover those parts and get to know them, the more inner harmony you can cultivate. As a result, you, your inner core, will feel more in control. You’ll therefore be better able to watch the unwanted response a particular trigger might create and decide that you don’t want to follow that old response anymore.
In other words,
- Get to know your inner parts
- Understand what each needs
- Collaborate with them, much as you might members of your family or group of friends
3- Discover the driving emotion behind the control voice
Getting to know your inner parts isn’t just about hearing the voice and what it’s saying, it’s also about understanding the emotion and need behind the words.
For example, when you find yourself mindlessly scrolling through social media, are you feeling let down, lonely or perhaps even overwhelmed? Social media then gives you the illusion of belonging and connection and the need is momentarily met.
It’s hard getting to know those deeper emotions because they’re unpleasant. They make us feel uncomfortable but the reality is that the more we push them away, the stronger those feelings become. As a result, we scroll even more.
Instead, we have to sit with those emotions and experience them in the body. The more we do, the more we start understanding what they are and how we can answer those needs in healthy ways.
Working with a transformational coach will also help you unpack the nitty gritty of what you need by:
- Voicing these emotions and sensations into words so that they start to lose their impact
- Define the unmet needs
- Devise ways unique to you to meet those needs in a fulfilling way
4- Tweak the environment to change habits
We are our environments and our environments are us. Of course, we build and influence our environments but research also shows that not only do our environments impact our mindsets, they also affect our personalities.
Moreover, personalities can also be defined as habits of thought. So, change your environment, change your habits.
Naturally, we can’t all simply change our houses or towns but there are tweaks we can make to our living and working spaces. These will need to be tailored of course but the more you can shift what launches particular habits, the more likely you’ll start following the habits you actually want.
In other words:
- Match your environment to habit launches
- Note constraints and where there’s flexibility
- Redesign small changes that build on your current natural flow
5- Get a friend
There’s a reason all great religions have a flock, community, sangha, kehilla, ummah and so on. We are social creatures and we need each other for support and encouragement when it comes to following habits.
Of course, this isn’t about adopting a religion but it is about following those practices that make changes in habit last. The more we can partner with someone to support us or join a like-minded group to go running or cycling, for example, the more likely we’ll keep showing up to the activity.
We’ll also keep showing up with our best self because we’ll want to do right by the group by showing our commitment.
Of course, it isn’t easy finding the right people in this digitally-minded world so we have to get creative.
- Research local hobby groups
- Explore support groups
- Find local activity clubs
What’s Your Next Step to Change Habits?
One of the hardest parts of changing habits is also understanding where you are in the stages of change. Just because your logical mind tells you that you want something, if deep down you’re not ready, you need a different approach to get yourself to the phase where you are ready for the change.
Again, it comes down to awareness to build insight into your emotions, needs and what’s currently working. We then build on your existing foundation in small, incremental steps with the aim of collaborating with the mind rather than fighting it.
As you can imagine, this doesn’t happen overnight but it does very quickly start feeling empowering and motivating. After all, you’re finally starting to let go of resistance and accept the mind as it is. That’s rewarding and enlightening in its own right.
So, don’t hesitate to contact me for your own tailored approach.